Subject: Editorial Suggestions regarding: draft-ietf-ipr-technology-rights -03.txt

From: "Joe Zebarth" <[email-masked]>
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2003 08:23:25 -0500

The following are editorial comments only on:
draft-ietf-ipr-technology-rights-03.txt and are being presented on the
understanding that their adoption would improve the quality of the ID.

Global Comments:

1.	The word "section" should be presented in a common fashion, i.e.
either as "Section" or "section" 
2.	When a "-" is used, it should never be followed by a space, e.g. as
in Section 6.5.
3.	A common format should be used for bulleted items, e.g. Section 1
uses the format "a/" while Section 3 uses "(A)"
4.	Periods should be consistently followed by either a single space or
a double space.

Specific Comments:

1.	Page 2, Para 1, Line 7

Change "the working group" to read as "working groups" or "their working
group"

2.	Page 2, Para 1, Penultimate line

Change "[RFC 2026]" to read as "RFC 2026" to be consistent with the rest of
the document

3.	Page 2, Para 2, Line 1

Add a "," after "process" and before "e.g."

4.	Page 2, Para 2, Line 5

Change ", from other people" to read as "; come from other people"

5.	Page 2, Bullet item c/, Line 9

For consistency, change "contributors" to "contributor"

6.	Page 3, Section 2.2.1.

This section header is misaligned

7.	Page 3, Section 2.2.1., Last sentence before bullet item A.

It would read better if this last sentence, viz. "If the contribution is an
Internet-Draft this agreement must be acknowledged by including in the
header of the contribution one of the statements in section 3.2 of [IETF
SUB]." was placed after Bullet item B. of Section 2.2.1.

Once moved to this new location, it probably should be reworded to read as
"If the contribution is an Internet-Draft this agreement must be
acknowledged, by including in the "Status of this Memo" section on the first
page of the contribution, one of the statements in Section 3.2 of [IETF
SUB].

8.	Page 5, Section 4., Line 1

The word "notices" should be changed to read as "notice" to reflect the
singular nature of the heading of bullet item (A).

9.	Page 5, Penultimate line on page

Add a ":" to the end of the line.  Note one may also wish to add a period at
the end of the bulleted list.

10.	Page 6, 2nd text line before the definition of contributors

Modify the text that reads as "are not contributions" to read as "are not
considered contributions".  

11.	Page 6, 2nd line of the definition "Reasonably and personally known"

Modify the text that reads as "It should be read to refer to" to read as "It
should be read to mean".

12.	Page 6, Definition of "Covers"

Modify the text that reads as 'or Covered' to read as 'or "Covered'.

13.	Page 6, Disclosures, Para 1

The current text is confusing as it appears as an ordered list and yet it
appears at first reading that it is misordered, e.g. 6.2 discusses timing
and yet the last item in the paragraph is related to "when disclosures must
be made" --however, this last item really does not relate to timing.

Possibly the text should be replaced by: "This section discusses aspects and
obligations associated with disclosures."

Kindest regards,

Joe Zebarth
Dept. 6L41
ATI Strategic Standards
Nortel Networks (Canada)
Phone: +1 613 765 8481