Subject: [Gen-art] Gen-ART Last Call review of draft-ietf-hip-dns-09

From: "Eric Gray (LO/EUS)" <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 28 May 2007 06:08:57 -0500

I have been selected as the General Area Review Team (Gen-ART)
reviewer for this draft (for background on Gen-ART, please see
http://www.alvestrand.no/ietf/gen/art/gen-art-FAQ.html).

Please resolve these comments along with any other Last Call comments
you may receive.

Document: draft-ietf-hip-dns-09.txt
Reviewer: Eric Gray
Review Date:  5/28/2007
IETF LC End Date: 5/28/2007

Summary:

This draft is nearly ready for publishing as an experimental RFC.

Comments:

Last paragraph before section 3.1 (mid page, Page 6), what would be
an example of "ill effects" mentioned in this paragraph?  It seems
to me that this statement could probably be more specific.
___________________________________________________________________

Immediately prior to section 5.1, it may be helpful if the authors
were to add a statement similar to the following:

"The format of these fields is described in the subsections below."

While this becomes obvious as you read on, it is usually the case
that these formats would be provided in the same numbered section 
as that in which the format is depicted.
___________________________________________________________________

I have no idea if I am correctly interpreting the first sentence in
section 8.2.

It looks as if there was additional text which was removed (perhaps
another security related technology that is susceptible to eventual
breakdown?).  

It also contains what appears to be a parenthetical explanation of 
why a breakdown in security occurs (but this is not very clear, 
because the sentence seems to end prematurely).

And the opening phrase "As many ... eventually become insecure,"
appears to lack a corresponding closing phrase that describes the
outcome, consequence or result of the opening phrase.  From the 
following sentence, it seems that the intent was that the stated
methods may not be sufficient.  But that is not obvious.

I suggest breaking this sentence up, or re-writing it from scratch.
___________________________________________________________________

===================================================================

NIT(s):

Last sentence of the first paragraph in section 3.2 (near bottom of
Page 7), 

"... its set of IP Address(es)."

should probably be one of:

"... its IP Address(es)."
"... its (set of) IP Address(es)."
or
"... its set of IP Addresses."

The pluralization of Address is not parenthetical as is (meaning it
cannot be removed with no ill effect on the sentence) - hence it
should not be parenthesized.
____________________________________________________________________

Last bullet before section 4.2 (toward bottom of Page 9), I believe
the phrase is "degenerate case" as opposed to "degenerated case"...
____________________________________________________________________

In section 10, fifth line of the first paragraph, "thanks" should
be "thank" ("... like to thank the following ...").

--
Eric Gray
Principal Engineer
Ericsson 

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